By Cecilia Chan
I turned 53 last week. I guess I qualify as an “old lady” now.
As I stare at my image in the mirror, I recognise the not-so-subtle signs of ageing: my wrinkled skin, my sagging neck and age spots sprouting merrily.
I am bombarded by advertisements luring me to fight these signs of decay. They tell me miracle treatments can eliminate my stubborn signs of ageing.
A friend even exclaims that I look “horrible”. He is 65, and he tells me he despises being called “uncle”.
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A well-meaning young cosmetic surgeon even offers me free Botox treatment.
I politely decline.
Can we choose not to be old? Why is ageing and old age such a scary phenomenon to be fought against, despite the odds?
It seems as if once we are considered “old” in important settings, no amount of individual behaviour or positive attitude makes it reversible for any of us. The continuing subtraction from selfhood hurts everyone.
As the war against ageing escalates, it becomes noxious to younger people as well. How can growing old look good to the young when they see so many ahead of them becoming second-class citizens? Fearful of that fall, some friends are getting cosmetic face-work when they are barely over thirty.
I do not remember my grandmother wishing to get rid of her wrinkles or pining for her youthful looks.
So, what happened to us? How did we get to where we are?
I recall being a part of an extended family, where everybody had natural roles. Within this structure, older people were part of the family, and the old and the young coexisted in equilibrium.
Today, we have this culture where we have an “ageing problem”.
Women now live a full third of our lives after menopause. Yet contemporary culture reminds us that unless we are young, shapely and still capable of bearing children, we are invisible.
I have women friends who’ve gone to great lengths to keep up a youthful front with the aid of cosmetic surgery. The results may be superficially satisfying, but I have this suspicion that the impulse to re-carve what nature has created often masks a profound despair.
It seems like we are urged to fight, over and over again, a losing battle against time, pitting ourselves against natural law. How absurd this is and how inhumane – for both ourselves and the natural cycle of life.
Our culture tells us that the natural order of ageing is a failure of sorts, that somehow God has made a mistake. Our culture tells us that people should be young forever, and since God has made this hideous mistake, only the wonders of science and commerce can save us.
I wonder why we cannot see how bizarre this perspective is, and how much pain it creates.
When old age is viewed as a burden, it creates a tremendous disparity. Such a view not only does disservice to older people, it inevitably returns to haunt the young.
One of my favourite Chinese stories points this out succinctly. It tells of an older woman who is too weak to work in the field or help with household chores. She just sits on the porch, gazing out across the fields, while her son toils in the farm.
One day, the son looks up at the old woman and thinks: what good is she now that she’s so old? All she does is eat up the food! I have my family to think about. It’s time for her to be done with life!
He then makes a big wooden box, places it on a wheelbarrow, rolls it up to the porch and asks his mother to get in.
The mother lies down inside the box.
The son puts the cover on, then wheels it to a cliff.
At the edge of the cliff, the woman knocks from inside the box.
“Yes, mother?”
“Why don’t you just throw me off the cliff and save the box?” the mother replies. “Your children are going to need it one day.”
If we do not see ourselves as part of life’s continuity, we’ll view ageing as separate from the mainstream of culture, and the old as somehow other. This holds true regardless of whether we are now young or old.
I read messages from internet hate sites wishing that “these miserable old once-were-people not survive as long as possible to burden the rest of us”. What picture does this paint of us as a society?
I write here as a woman of a certain age (“old lady”), potential “social burden” and ageist advocate.
“What another person looks like to you is your responsibility.” – Michael Lessac
Dr Cecilia Chan is a gerontologist, dementia advocate and activist.
AGENDA RAKYAT - Lima perkara utama
- Tegakkan maruah serta kualiti kehidupan rakyat
- Galakkan pembangunan saksama, lestari serta tangani krisis alam sekitar
- Raikan kerencaman dan keterangkuman
- Selamatkan demokrasi dan angkatkan keluhuran undang-undang
- Lawan rasuah dan kronisme
What the author says is from a woman’s point of view living in a basically still patriarchal society of Malaysia with the pressures of the consumer society on women more than on men. This is my hypothesis. It is living up to the expectations of men brought up from childhood and the focus of the consumer society on women and girls. Always look youthful and beautiful. Is this not true or not? I am a 76 old man and I see all these advertisements of anti-ageing treatment, supplement or complements etc… I ask what kind of society we have. Getting old physically with all wrinkles one can see is a natural process. What is important is being young at heart and keeping fit. That’s it. I am still looking to the future and what I can still do.