I have been attached to the haemodialysis machine for more than twenty years. My motive in writing this story is to motivate and counsel depressed dialysis patients to think positively and to live their lives with a positive attitude.

First and foremost let me tell you something about myself for you to understand how I have managed to live the past 20 years of my life. As a dialysis patient, I consider these years as a bonus.

During my early days of training at the teachers� training college, I represented the college in all the major games: rugby, hockey, soccer and cricket and was awarded colours for rugby, soccer and cricket. I am a Queen Scout and a Bronze Medallion holder in swimming and a qualified lifesaver of the Royal Life Saving Society in swimming.

Besides that, I am also a Class One International Hockey Umpire. My ambition then was to umpire matches at the World Cup and Olympics having done so at Asian Games level. It will forever remain a permanent disappointment of my life as fate had cruelly denied me that opportunity.

At the onset of my kidney problem, I suffered from severe headaches, itchiness all over my body, swollen legs and eyes. I used to experience frightening nightmares. My suffering was unbearable. At that time I thought it was the end of the world for me and I even contemplated suicide. My mind was in a turmoil. I was mentally and emotionally traumatised. Irrationally, I resorted to grasping at every straw of hope: bomohs, sinsehs, bogus medicine men, astrologers etc. I saw them all. A lot of time, money and effort were wasted.

It finally dawned on me that I had to listen to the doctors and follow their recommended treatment. Two of my younger brothers came forward voluntarily to donate their kidneys for me. Unfortunately the blood group of the elder of the two did not match. The other was suffering from high blood pressure and therefore could not be considered. Imagine the disappointment on my face when the doctors told me that the transplant could not be carried out.

I started my dialysis on 10 February 1982 in Kuala Lumpur. The 2 � years I was in Kuala Lumpur were miserable years for me. To make matters worse, my wife went through an open-heart surgery in 1983 in Kuala Lumpur. We had to leave our two sons in Penang to be taken care of by one of our relatives.

My elder son was born a spastic and my second son was asthmatic. Imagine the stress, strain and torment both my wife and I had to endure.

On 4 June 1984, when the dialysis unit was set up in Penang Hospital, I returned to Penang to continue my dialysis. It was a great sense of relief for me to be back with my family. I was posted to one of the secondary schools and was once again active in sports.

Gradually, I became weaker and weaker as I was experiencing bone changes. On 12 February 1991, I went through a parathyroidectomy operation in Kuala Lumpur. In 1997 I had a carpal tunnel syndrome operation on my right palm of my hand and in 1998 a similar operation was carried out on my left palm. I also had a few minor trigger finger operations. I also suffer from rheumatoid arthritis and defective heart valve problems.

When I returned to Penang from Kuala Lumpur, I got myself involved in voluntary work helping disabled children and getting friends to donate blood to the Blood Bank at the Penang Hospital. I try to lead as normal a life as possible. I cause no anxiety to my wife and children. On non-dialysis days, I help my wife at home and attend to the children�s needs and do a bit of reading. I have counselled many renal patients and have shared my experiences with them.

My advice to the renal patients is not to indulge in self-pity or seek sympathy but live a normal life with a smile on your face. Have faith in God, do not despair, live in hope and always count your blessings. In short, live a disciplined life and do not worry unnecessarily.

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